Let's Get Real

Sunday, January 25, 2015

What's Next??

Last night I sat on my daughter's bed and completed my last journal entry for 2014 (yep, I know I'm a little behind). As I closed the journal a flood of emotions swept over me. I placed my new journal beside my old one and stared at them both. So different and yet very much the same. Yes, I'm being very sentimental, but that's ok, this is me being very real and transparent about my thought process.... and very deep. Let me explain what was going through my mind as I said goodbye to an old friend and hello to a new one.

My old "friend" is a bit worn and bulging from the pictures taped inside. It's been through a lot, has seen a lot of places, been tossed around and probably has a few crumbs from snacks eaten while writing and many splashes of tears. It smells of leather, tape, ink, a little fruity from skittles, and of grain, dust and fresh air... When I flip through the pages I see adventure, victory, triumph, laughter, hugs, tears, sickness, grief... loss. This "friend" has let me pour out all my troubles when no one else would listen. This "friend" let me cry and didn't ask any questions or judge me. This "friend" let me wrap my arms around it's spine and hold it close to my heart as I sobbed for my loss. This "friend" let me toss it to the side when I was frustrated and was not offended when I walked away. This "friend" waited patiently for my return and didn't question me when I had nothing to say. This "friend" will keep all my stories safe from time passing and will help me remember when my memory fails me. My new "friend" awaits.

So, I sat there and stared at the two books. I know they're just journals but to me, they tell MY story. Being a writer of sorts, that is one way that I express myself. I picked up my old journal and as I rifled through the pages, catching glimpses of an adventure here, a loss there.... I wondered if anyone would ever read all that I had put on the pages. I looked over at my daughter, who was watching me curiously, especially since I had tears quietly streaming down my face. The thought that then rocked me was, would my daughters ever read them, would I have grand-kids that would ask me to read to them the stories inside... would I have descendents that would discover them years after I'm gone, blow off the dust and begin to read about this woman, this ancestor whom they didn't know. Would my words that I'd written ever matter to anyone but me? I warned you that this would be deep. I realized as I placed the old journal to the side that I may never pick it up again to read what I'd written. That reality of that thought was so sad.

I guess my jumbled up thoughts are centered around the single question... What's next? When I first began writing in my old journal many months ago, I had no clue that I would be writing about my husband having to leave the state to find work and how lonely I would be or that I would be telling of my adventure with Cheyenne across the mid-west to visit my husband in North Dakota... or that on the way back home I would visit New York and Washington, DC. There was no way I knew that I would be writing in frustration and anger about my mom's cancer returning and her having to go through treatments or that I would be writing about my grief as I told about the loss of my dad. No, I didn't know those things as I began writing on fresh pages that awaited my stories. As I pick up the new journal and rifle through it's blank pages, I wonder what stories it will hold in a few months. Will there be more grief and heartache? Will there be unexpected surprises? Will there be more tears than laughter? There is no telling what the future holds and what stories of my life will be written amongst the pages of a journal that one day, may be placed on a shelf and long forgotten, never to be picked up again. And I discovered that even though that's a bit sad, that I'm okay with that too. Because these old "friends" of mine are very much like my human old friends... they're never far away and they can always help you to remember what may have been forgotten.

So, I ask... What's Next? Only God knows... and He will not bring me to any hurdle that He has not prepared me to jump... oh wait, I just have to give it to Him and I don't even have to jump... He will carry me.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Transition

A lot has been going on since I last posted. I have been hired as a Children's Director at my church, my husband was laid off from his job and has left for Iowa to work in the corn fields for 8 weeks (1 down, 7 to go), I have started a home-based business, Aloette and I'm leaving for Scotland in 9 days on a missionary trip. Much has happened. Transition is a state of change and we must change in order to grow. I have had new revelations over the last couple of months about my theology and relationship with Christ and I look forward to sharing my new insights with all of my readers.. Thanks for checking up on me and I will be sure to post again soon!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The Love Dare: Day 39

DAY #39: Love Endures

"Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:8

TODAY'S DARE:
Spend some time in personal prayer, then write a letter of commitment and resolve to your spouse. Include why you are committing to this marriage until death, and that you have purposed to love them no matter what. Leave it in a place that your mate will find it.

MY REFLECTION:

I know that I have waited several days to complete this dare but I wanted to really seek what God wanted me to say to my husband. Today is his birthday and I thought that it would be a nice gift to purposefully give this letter to him rather than a store bought card. I have been teaching from 1 Corinthians 13 for the last 6 weeks, so this topic of "love" has been upper and foremost in my thoughts. By teaching and doing this dare simultaneously has challenged me greatly in how I look at love from two different angles; horizontally and vertically. How the Father loves me and I him... and how I love my husband. God demonstrates pure, selfless, unconditional love in the gift, God's sacrifice, of His Son Jesus Christ. The question I must ask myself is, can I, will I and do I love like that? To be honest, I have not, but I have a desire to. So, with this in mind, I wrote my husband his letter and wrote the scripture out of 1 Corinthians 13, broke down each attribute of love and gave my definition of each one of how I wanted to love my husband. Ending with my utmost declaration and commitment to him for always!

"he delights in unchanging love." Micah 7:18

To read today's full dare from the book "The Love Dare" by Stephen & Alex Kendrick please copy and paste to your address bar the link posted below.

http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/02/13/Love-Dare-Day-39.aspx

Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Love Dare: Day 38

DAY #38: Love Fulfills Dreams

"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

TODAY'S DARE:
Ask yourself what your mate would want if it was obtainable. Commit this to prayer, and start mapping out a plan for meeting some (if not all) of their desires, to whatever level you possibly can.

MY REFLECTION:

I have to confess, I met up with this challenge with resistance. As I was reading the part about what a husband could do for his wife, I immediately was like, "Why isn't my husband doing these things for me?" I think if we were all honest with ourselves most of us would admit that we would be willing to do so much more for our spouse if only they would do some for us. Well, the truth of that way of thinking is selfish (I know it stinks). My husband and I used to talk about our goals, dreams, desires and wants all the time. Over the years we've settled into the routine of "one days". Today's economy for most of us doesn't allow much wiggle room for extras. BUT... not everything costs money. I want to rediscover what my husbands dreams are. I know that a lot of mine have changed over the years, I'm sure some of his has changed as well. I want my husband to know that his dreams are a priority to me. Of course I want my dreams to be a priority to him as well... maybe all it takes is me making the first move!!

"God is able to make all grace abound to you." 2 Corinthians 9:8

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The Love Dare: Day 37

DAY #37: Love Agrees In Prayer

"If two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father." Matthew 18:19

TODAY'S DARE:
Ask your spouse if you can begin praying together. Talk about the best time to do this, whether it's in the morning, your lunch hour, or before bedtime. Use this time to commit your concerns, disagreements, and needs before the Lord. Don't forget to thank Him for His provision and blessing. Even if your spouse refuses to do this, resolve to spend this daily time in prayer yourself.

MY REFLECTION:

My husband and I pray every night with our kids but we didn't always. We went away for a weekend in the fall of last year. It was the first time since our honeymoon, seven years ago, that we have gone away to be alone together. We went to a Christian retreat cabin where we had limited amenities, no running water and no electronic devices like out phones or computers. (Wouldn't have mattered anyway, we didn't have service:) Anyway, this weekend away was to spend time with God individually and as a couple. We needed some answers and needed to "unplug" from the everyday life with no distractions. One thing that God spoke to both of us was that we weren't lifting each other or our kids up in prayer. The only time that we prayed together was at meal time. So, upon our return from that weekend, my hubby and I began spending quality time with one another when he came home from work. It wasn't much time, maybe even only 10-15 minutes on some days, but it was more than what we had been doing and gave us the time to unload stuff from our day, get on the same page as a couple, and even pray together. Then we would go in and gather the girls and pray together as a family. This simple act of coming together for 30-45 minutes a day has changed our family. It's amazing what God can do through the unity that comes from humbling ourselves to lay our weaknesses, our hearts, our desires for all (in the family) to see. What was once being prayed for alone, or not even being prayed for at all, was now being exposed to 3 other people. There is power in prayer in numbers. We were all coming together for common needs. This has become a tradition in our family and not one night goes missed. Even if one of us is missing, we wait for all to come together or we pray for the member not there. Our family now has a unity and closeness that is immeasurable and we now are not fearful of mentioning what we need prayer for. POWERFUL!! It was awkward and uncomfortable in the beginning, especially because it was something new, different, and unexpected.... but most definitely worth it! If you are not praying for your family or praying together, don't hesitate another day. Start now!!

"In the morning my prayer comes before You." Psalm 88:13

Monday, April 9, 2012

The Love Dare: Day 36

DAY #36: Love Is God's Word

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and light to my path." Psalm 119:105

TODAY'S DARE:
Commit to reading the Bible every day. Find a devotional book or other resource that will give you some guidance. If your spouse is open to it, see if they will commit to daily Bible reading with you. Begin submitting each area of your life to its guidance and start building on the rock.

MY REFLECTION:

I have to confess, I have not disciplined myself to read the Bible every day. I know that it's important and I will pick up the Bible to look up scriptures but not sit and read like I would a novel. I have a great desire to read it that way and I pray that I can discipline myself to commit to do it. I am starting a Ladies Discipleship in a week and a half and I will be in the Bible every day. So, I'm sure that will help. As for Tommy and I reading the Bible together... I will work on that. Tommy doesn't care to read so it would be good for both of us to read it together. We have already committed to a devotional in the Fall so that will be interesting! :)

"Whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction." Romans 15:4

The Love Dare: Day 35

DAY #35: Love Is Accountable

"Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed." Proverb 15:22

TODAY'S DARE:
Find a marriage mentor - someone who is a strong Christian and who will be honest and loving with you. If you feel that counseling is needed, then take the first step to set up an appointment. During this progress, ask God to direct your decisions and discernment.

MY REFLECTION:

Tommy and I have had 3 couples as marriage mentors for at least the last 3 years. We also have individual people that we can share things with. We do have one rule. We have agreed together who those "individual people" are in each others lives. If we are going to talk about "deep" stuff that goes on in our marriage then we don't want to share that information with just anyone. That is why, respectively, we have agreed who we share those details with.

"In abundance of counselors, there is victory." Proverbs 11:14